There comes a time in your life when you will realize that there is nothing in the world that can make you happy. No thing, and no body, will make you any more content with the rest of your life than you are now. I have come to this realization a few weeks ago. Those weeks have been the worst of my entire 20 years of existence.
I have been through extreme cases of depression back in high school. I thought that what I was going through then, were the hardest 4 years of my life…until now. However, there is a different metric system when comparing these levels of depression. Allow me to explain. Back in high school, my depression consumed my life to the point where I was hallucinating sounds and images 40% of the day. Depression consumed my every being, almost every cell in my body was only running on delusion. I was so disconnected from my present reality to the point where I was living day by day through my mind-made reality. It is the most toxic rabbit hole that anybody could ever fall down. I don’t know how I survived that quite frankly, but I did. Anyhow, I’m not writing this to voice my pain in return for sympathy. I want to share something that I feel is extremely daunting yet conceptually meaningful.
The only reason that my teen self was able to hang on another day, was my anticipation for the future. I made myself believe that I would have the most magnificent future, that I would be rich and famous and I will have this and I will have that. I also grew up with very strict parents, which was a big part of my perceived depression. “Once I get out of my parents house, I will be free, and I will be happy.” I told myself these things every single day as a means to keep myself alive. I lived for my future self, and that was the string that I was holding on to. Although it was not easy for me to live with strict parents, it was never the cause of my depression. And who’s to say there is ever one “cause” of clinical depression.
Fast forward to present day: I am no longer restricted by the things I used to feel held down by 2 years ago. I have everything I could ever need or want, and there is nothing more that I could ask for. I have never been more ok with my life than I have been in these past 2 years. However, I was greeted with a visitor last month. Anxiety. And just as anybody with anxiety would guess- depression followed. I have been going through a great emotional shift this past month, and I would like to share my experience in hopes that I can bring people together with the same experiences.
A couple of weeks after this incident I began to take a control of my anxiety, quickly minimizing the magnitude of this feeling, however, depression persisted. Why do I feel like this depression is worse than the depression I lived with 2 years back? When I have everything I could ever want or need, when I have loving friends and family, when I am provided for every single day, when I have the luxury to go on vacation or buy whatever it is that I want, why is this the most challenging battle to fight? Because of this single realization. I have nothing more to externally attach my lack of happiness to, and I have nothing more to look forward to as a means to cope with my present unhappiness.
It is so easy to cope with your internal feelings through external matter. Once you understand how unbelievably temporary and unsatisfying it is to keep looking outwards, you will finally come to terms with the very concept that you have been continiously avoiding, and that is to look inwards. It has come time for me to face the biggest issue in my life–myself.