now

Life is so chaotic and beautiful. I know it’s hard to see it that way when you’re continuously suffering, but even in those moments, there is something delightful about it. Once you realize that your suffering is not your soul, you laugh. The suffering does not come from the energy that orbits around your body. It does not come from your aliveness, it comes from your mind. But here’s the catch, your mind can shift the energy field that you choose to surround yourself with everyday. Your thoughts will turn into frequencies that have the abilities to attract more suffering to the mind. Once you realize that nothing matters besides this very moment, you will smile.

Look around, look at what you’re doing right now. If you are sitting, standing, laying, looking out the window, laughing, crying, sipping your coffee etc., you are doing just that. How can that be suffering? There is no internal pain in sitting. Nothing is happening to you in this very very very moment. It is only happening to you in your mind. Internal suffering only exists through the past or the future, which are simply illusory concepts. I hate to break it to you, but the past and future do not exist; you want know how I know that? Because I am here right now. All I have and all I know is this present moment. That’s where we should be living isn’t it? It’s a lot easier said than done, I know. But just by realizing this very concept, you will begin to open a portal into the consciousness that will allow you to fully embody this experience. Believe me, it’s an experience worth living for.

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Emptiness

Is it normal to feel nothing sometimes? Should we always be feeling something?

Today I spent 4 hours doing absolutely nothing. Staring into space, pondering thoughts, feeling lazy, feeling nothingness. There is a difference between feeling present, and feeling empty. This is not presence, this is almost lifeless. I mean, does one need to feel something in order to be alive? Must we always have emotion? Or is it ok to just feel like nothing. Better yet, that nothingness is something, but there is no word that could explain it. Therefor, I define it as nothing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am not feeling anything pleasant at the moment, nothing that a word in the english language could describe.

Do I feel sad? No…not quite sad. Do I feel happy? Not that. I feel like there is no point to anything. That’s what it is. But what is that feeling called? There are things I want to do, but I just can’t get myself to do them. Is it too much work? What’s so much work about picking up a paint brush? Why is it that I’d rather sit and do nothing? It isn’t mediative, I’ve felt a true mediation before. This is not it. I do not feel embodied by light and love, I do not feel whole and one–at least in this very moment. There are moments when I can feel that I am everything. There are moments where I feel every atom of my being intertwined with the being of others.

I don’t know why I’m so hung up on this thought; this why. It hurts, because I know that there will never be a definite answer. However, I need to find an answer that fulfills me or else I will forever feel unfulfilled. I’m not sure which direction I’m heading in. I’m not sure why or where or if there’s even a reason for it all. I just wish I knew the answers. But I guess it’s no fun if you already know the answer. Because you know what, sometimes the answer will not satisfy you.

Wow. I just came to this deep realization. Sometimes the answer will not fulfill you. It might satisfy you for the time being, but will it end your suffering? This “knowing”? Some people “know” that heaven exists. Does this mean that they have their lives figured out? Of course not. So why do I feel that my whole existence here will be complete if I know why I’m doing the things I’m doing. Knowing the answers are not going to keep me content forever. Because then I will ponder the answer, I will question the answer, I will distrust the answer. But the answer is true regardless. I guess this is source. Source knows the answers to everything. The answer might be that there are no answers, only miracles.

Whatever this greater creator is, whatever this unification of energy is, whatever we came from, has its own method to its madness. Earth being madness…what is this method? What is this game you are playing, Source? Well, whatever it is, you sure know how to make an intelligent species go mad.

Depression

There comes a time in your life when you will realize that there is nothing in the world that can make you happy. No thing, and no body, will make you any more content with the rest of your life than you are now. I have come to this realization a few weeks ago. Those weeks have been the worst of my entire 20 years of existence.

I have been through extreme cases of depression back in high school. I thought that what I was going through then, were the hardest 4 years of my life…until now. However, there is a different metric system when comparing these levels of depression. Allow me to explain. Back in high school, my depression consumed my life to the point where I was hallucinating sounds and images 40% of the day. Depression consumed my every being, almost every cell in my body was only running on delusion. I was so disconnected from my present reality to the point where I was living day by day through my mind-made reality. It is the most toxic rabbit hole that anybody could ever fall down. I don’t know how I survived that quite frankly, but I did. Anyhow, I’m not writing this to voice my pain in return for sympathy. I want to share something that I feel is extremely daunting yet conceptually meaningful.

The only reason that my teen self was able to hang on another day, was my anticipation for the future. I made myself believe that I would have the most magnificent future, that I would be rich and famous and I will have this and I will have that. I also grew up with very strict parents, which was a big part of my perceived depression. “Once I get out of my parents house, I will be free, and I will be happy.” I told myself these things every single day as a means to keep myself alive. I lived for my future self, and that was the string that I was holding on to. Although it was not easy for me to live with strict parents, it was never the cause of my depression. And who’s to say there is ever one “cause” of clinical depression.

Fast forward to present day: I am no longer restricted by the things I used to feel held down by 2 years ago. I have everything I could ever need or want, and there is nothing more that I could ask for. I have never been more ok with my life than I have been in these past 2 years. However, I was greeted with a visitor last month. Anxiety. And just as anybody with anxiety would guess- depression followed. I have been going through a great emotional shift this past month, and I would like to share my experience in hopes that I can bring people together with the same experiences.

A couple of weeks after this incident I began to take a control of my anxiety, quickly minimizing the magnitude of this feeling, however, depression persisted. Why do I feel like this depression is worse than the depression I lived with 2 years back? When I have everything I could ever want or need, when I have loving friends and family, when I am provided for every single day, when I have the luxury to go on vacation or buy whatever it is that I want, why is this the most challenging battle to fight? Because of this single realization. I have nothing more to externally attach my lack of happiness to, and I have nothing more to look forward to as a means to cope with my present unhappiness.

It is so easy to cope with your internal feelings through external matter. Once you understand how unbelievably temporary and unsatisfying it is to keep looking outwards, you will finally come to terms with the very concept that you have been continiously avoiding, and that is to look inwards. It has come time for me to face the biggest issue in my life–myself.

Purpose

This week’s theme has been purpose. It’s been coming up through school assignments and through my daily thoughts so I’ve gotten time to think about it more than I already do. I’ve always struggled to figure out what my actual purpose in life is. I am only 20, how could a 20 year old know these things? There are so many things that I am interested in that could potentially be my “Purpose”, but I can’t tell which ones are distractions and which ones are omens. I could elaborate on how indecisive i am as i’ve thought about my purpose time and time again, but this entry is not going to be about me trying to figure out what my purpose is. It’s about what “Purpose” is.

As we were asked to write about our purpose in school, I stumbled upon an interesting idea that I never use to give much thought: What if I have no purpose? It’s something I never wanted to believe or think about because it sounded too bleak. However, that led me to think of something bigger, If I don’t believe in “God” how can I believe in a purpose? I was speaking on behalf of anybody in this category, if you don’t believe in the man in the sky then how can you believe that you are required to do a certain something here on earth? Doesn’t a purpose imply that somebody put you here to fulfill one position that was tailored specifically to you? Isn’t God supposed to give you all the signs in life to lead you to your purpose? Didn’t he create and give you all of your flaws and personality just so he could teach you something about yourself that would eventually lead you to your epiphany? If we don’t believe in Him, how can we believe that we have a calling? I don’t think we can. Hearing my mom and a very special friend of mine speak on this subject with me, I will try to explain the current conclusion that I’ve came to.

At a very young age I told myself that I wanted to entertain. Whether that’s singing, dancing, drawing, acting, videography, they all entertain. They all make you feel, I wanted the ability to make somebody feel something other than what they’re use to feeling everyday. I wanted to change somebody’s perspective with my words or my form of “entertainment”. So, that was my base. I set a base for the rest of my life which I think is what we call our “purpose”. I put my dreams and aspirations out into the universe at a very young age, and that has carried with me throughout my life up until this point. All of those vibrations that I have been sending out into the universe come back to me in some way shape or from, and those have become my “signs”. The universe hears what your thinking and it responds to your thoughts. That’s my God. All of this energy balled up into the universe has a pattern and some kind of algorithm. The energy that I exert, is the energy that I receive. The Law of Attraction right? Therefor, my purpose was created by me, and it would be a shame if I betrayed my purpose.

I feel this idea of “purpose” gives us a reason to do what we actually want to do in life. I don’t think we are supposed to do anything, we just tell ourselves that so we can get our butts moving and make our dreams a reality. Do what you want in life, forget purpose. We only have one life to live, so do what gives you joy everyday. Please. Imagine how much brighter our world would be if people fed their joys rather than their jobs.

Alone

The lighting in this picture is atrocious, I realize that I need to get better at taking “artsy” photos. I’m a blogger now.

I’m sitting here at Starbucks alone, quickly realizing that I really like being alone. I never use to like doing anything alone for two main reasons:

1. If i’m with somebody, I’m less likely to get kidnapped.

2. I won’t look like a loner.

I couldn’t care less of how I look like to other people at this age. When I’m alone, I have more time to ponder my own thoughts which could get dangerous, but it’s honestly worth the risk. I feel like such an independent woman when I’m alone. Yeah, I’m eating alone…and?

I also like being alone in hopes that somebody will walk up to me and I could meet somebody new. People are less likely to walk up to a group of 2 or 3+. When I’m alone i’m basically like, “hey! come talk to me!!!” but nobody hears me. Everybody these days are too afraid to talk to strangers. They all put on a face that they hate everyone, and hide behind their screens. It’s like people don’t know how to make friends anymore, come on!! And how the heck do boyfriends meet their girlfriends and vise versa these days?? I feel like everything happens online in this era. If you’re not on a dating app, or you don’t slide in the dm’s, then you won’t meet anyone outside of mutual friends. What the heck people!? Although I love our generation to death, most of us are soft. I’m more guaranteed to start a conversation with somebody older than me. Forget about the people my age, you only meet those people in a school environment or at a stupid party I swear.

I really do like being alone, a new form of creativity is more likely to emerge from my mind. Not like that doesn’t happen with other people, because it does. I just like knowing what my mind alone can be capable of. I haven’t had time to write or explore my creativity these days, and i really miss it. That’s why I felt like starting a blog was a good idea. I have something to be able to talk to rather than keeping my thoughts bottled up inside, hoping that somebody will care enough to ask me what i’m thinking. And even if they do ask, I won’t completely tell. I’ve been less vocal about what’s been going on in my head lately. I’ve been working on listening to other people which I truly enjoy doing, but I’ve forgotten to listen to myself…so this is what i’m doing now I guess. Being alone, I only have myself to listen to.

–July 19, 2017

20

This is 20. The point between “knowing everything”, and knowing absolutely nothing. It’s a confusing time, thinking that we know what we’re going to do with our lives, having a plan since before high school. Then comes 20, and you have no fucking idea what you’re going to do. You think you know as you inch your way towards the high school finish line, then you hit 20, and you don’t know who you are or who the hell you want to be, but you have 7 different characters in mind. You want to do what you’ve always sought out to do your whole life, but then all of the sudden you rethink everything you’ve ever thought about what you’ve wanted to do. In the middle of becoming who you’re supposed to be, you break down and have a whole life analysis at the worst possible time. Between your second year of school, and your job that you think will be another stepping stone towards your “plan”, now is really not the time for your annual crisis. This will either ruin everything you’ve worked for, or be the a gamble that could make your life better in the long run. I’ve wasted 2 years, if I don’t start over now, then I might end up wasting the next 40 years of my life, is what one part of your brain is telling you. I’ve completed 2 years, 2 more then i’ll be done. If i start over now then i’ll never finish, let’s just finish these 2 years. says the other part. Fuck it, who even needs college, says your heart. There’s so much to figure out at this age. You need to figure out how the hell mortgages work, how car payments work, how a fricking future works. There is so much to decide on, and not enough energy. This is the year of idk. That’s what i call it. I just don’t even know.

 

—July 16, 2017

Movies and Idk

Ah movies. They bring out the depth in me. I saw one tonight that really got me thinking about the simplicity of life. It’s not as deep as we make it out to be, it’s simple. There was a scene in the movie where the main character was talking about his baseball career. How he just went where the wind took him, and that’s where he ended up. It wasn’t anything deep, the conversation was just about how his life fell together all on it’s own. I hope the wind will blow me somewhere great. I’ve never ended up in a life changing position where i was like, “ok, this is happening!” But i hope someday I will. I just don’t really know what’s happening right now to be quite honest. And i don’t know why i need to know so bad. I saw a quote the other day that said something along the lines of, “try not to conquer your whole life one day, rather, try to conquer each day first, then you’ll get to where you want to be.” That rang so deep for me; i do feel like i want to conquer my life in one day. I’m so impatient i just want my life story to be great right now. But i know that i just need to perfect my everyday routines and everything will fall into place. I just need to breathe, be in the present, and go with the flow. It’s so funny, me sitting here at night, having nothing to do. I have no responsibilities right now. I have no plans right now. It’s like my life stops for a second and i get to wonder what the hell i’m doing here. I had this moment when i was 17. Such profound moments. I’m just here, in this great big world, alone, figuring out how i’m going to do this “life” thing. How am i going to play this game? The game almost stops for a few minutes at these times. It’s still going, because time is a part of the game. And this is part of my time, but this moment is definitely worth my time. I get to forget that we have built a civilization. We have built homes, we have built a society, we have built light, we have built the most mind blowing machines out of electricity. I am typing on this weird aluminum/plastic/glass thin box looking thing that has a screen that’s animated. I can type anything i want and see my thoughts come to life before my eyes through text on a digital piece of paper. What the fuck are we. How the hell did we do all this? I don’t even know what’s going on at this point. I’m so detached from what my role is in this weird society thing that it’s fucking with me. Who am i without all of this? I’m just a person, alone, with my own thoughts, my own life, i get to choose what i do with it. Just one life, this is a hard ass game! No do-overs. No extra lives. Just one. And i can’t buy extra coins with some omnipotent form of payment. There’s only one form of payment. Cash. And there’s only one way to get it…work. Now what the hell am i going to do with my cash? I can’t get it back that easily so i better spend it wisely. I just have one player, that’s me. Isn’t that fucking crazy? I’m the only pawn that i can play. What the hell am i going to do with her?!!???!!?!?!!!!!1111

—-May 14, 2017

Movies and Dreams

I have been feeling extremely emotional over the past couple of days. Movies never fail to put me in a mood for an extended period of time. I watched one last night that really cut through my emotions (Eye Origines). It was like a knife was slowly piercing it’s way down the middle of my emotions. It was sharp and painful, but it only left a little bit of blood. Like we didn’t have a blood bath of emotions, ya know what I’m saying? There was just one scene at the end of the movie that got me. I feel like I’ve been scarred. I can’t help but to feel a sense of emotion every time I remember the fear in those girls eyes before she stepped into that elevator. That movie really made me think, it touched me in a way that no movie really ever has. Now the movie that I watched today was another story. This is why I like to watch movies alone in my room, it gives me the space and freedom to allow my mind to ponder the theme and the characters, to form a depth of connection between the movie and I. It also gives me the comfort and privacy to ball my eyes out like a little baby. Really, the ending in this movie just made me upset (La La Land). I wished it would’ve end another way, that way I could fricking sleep at night. But I guess there’s a reason for that unexpected ending, because now people won’t forget it and it gives them a reason to talk about it. If it were to end the way we wanted it to, we would have closure and would possibly never be touched by that film in the way that it did with it’s painful ending. It’s really funny though how the theme all came together. It’s something that I’ve thought about before I’ve seen this movie. Starting with the fame, I’ve always wanted to be noticed and loved for my gifts/talents. I want the world to see what I’m offering it. There is no surprise there, it’s my quest in life and I love to see movies that inspire me to keep dreaming and remind me that there is no excuse for at least trying to pursue this dream of mine. But this movie ran a bit deeper than that, and also brought me back to the thought that I settled on not too long ago. My cousin always has a story to tell me about some guy that she’s met or how their relationship is going, and I never really have the same stories to give back. So I told her, my romance is with my dream. I feel like my quest right now, or even within a decade, is not to find “the one”. My quest is to make my dream a reality. I’m in love with my passion(s), and that will always be the end goal. It was interesting to see that that was one of the themes of the movie. It was reassuring me that I am not the only one with this dream of mine. They know what it’s like to chase a dream but you keep failing and failing and doubting and giving up. But eventually if you try hard enough, get back up, brush it off, and never give up…an opportunity might be right around the corner, just waiting for you to catch it.

—January 20th, 2017

A Knowing

So I think I’m getting close to my focus, like I said, I need one by the end of this year. I’m realizing, or rather re-discovering that my passion for music is something to work with. If anything should be my focus, it should be music because it’s in my veins. I just know that it was meant for me to discover and to take a step further. I’ve got to do something with my creativity, and it’s got to do something with music. My mind might change about what my goal should be, but for now I think I’m headed towards producing music. I’ve always wanted to be a singer/performer since a young age. Anything that had to do with music, I got excited about. And it’s so much more than that, of course anybody would get excited about music. But for me, it’s like a knowing. It’s a feeling in my soul, it’s like my instinct. I can’t explain it all in words but, you know how you feel. I know what I was meant to do, I don’t need to ignore it anymore. This is real life, I’m going to do what I’ve been set out to do all my life. It’s just a matter of how, how do I execute this goal/dream of mine? There are thousands of routes that I could take to get to the place that I want to be, but for now I think I’m going to produce some music and put it out on soundcloud. I should also record myself singing some covers on youtube, that’d be a good place to start but I hate the way I sound on video. We’ll see how it goes. Just wanted to give a little update of where I’m at right now because that might change, who knows. I just wanted to document what I was thinking before my mind changed.

—12/13/2016

Distractions

I don’t really know where I am in life right now. It’s like I know that there is something big ahead of me, but I haven’t even gotten close to it yet. There’s something that I need to focus on, but I’m not sure what that is. I deleted all of my social media apps to rid myself of distraction. None of those things will get me to the place that I need to be. I just spend my time looking at the things that I want, and the people that I want to be rather than being the person that I want to be. And this stupid guy is getting in my head too which also led me to delete my social media apps. There’s something about this dude that I just can’t seem to get out of my head. But now I’ve discovered that he has a girlfriend, so it’s time for me to move on. No being jealous, no stalking, no wondering why I’m not good enough and what she has that I don’t.  All of that is just another obstacle that is getting in the way of what I want. It’s all bullshit drama and I really don’t need that in my life right now please and thank you. So…this is the start of my journey. I’m not sure what I’m going to do next, or where the road is going to lead me from here on out…but all I know is that I am on a journey towards success. I will do all that it takes to get all that I want and I will stop for nothing. I will learn, and grow in the most beautiful of ways. I will read, I will watch, I will observe. My goal for next year is to learn one thing as fully as I can, rather than just a little bit of it. You know how I do, I just learn a little bit of everything. Next year I really want to pick just one thing and learn it for a year. My mind is in too many places at once, I can’t do everything right now and that’s my problem. I need a focus, and I need a goal. I will have a solid one by the end of this year. Right now, I just need to re-collect myself.

—11/25/2016